It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
