Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize