i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
