My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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