My liver just broke up with me...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
