i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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