READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize