Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
