I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
