quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
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