Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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