I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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