I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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