I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I know her cup size but not her name....
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