My sheets look like a crime scene.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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