I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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