I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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