Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
