tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
