I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
