Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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