What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
