I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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