hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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