I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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