i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
