I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
