Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Small penises have feelings too.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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