Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
