I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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