So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
