Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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