i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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