This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We just shotgunned beers for America
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
