This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Dicks are not precious.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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