I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
