sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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