I think I am morally bankrupt
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize