Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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