girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Randomize
