I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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