Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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