I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
