It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
