You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
