i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
