Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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