Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
