I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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