there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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