Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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