Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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