i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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