were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
