My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
