You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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