If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
