Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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