yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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