I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize