nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
