you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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