I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
