Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think I am morally bankrupt
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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