i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
