Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
